Monday, January 10, 2011

idea : cold-weather running...with oxygen tanks!!

I have a self-confidence issue with going to the gym. I'm highly paranoid that people around me, should I ever join the legion of tan, fit college students jogging away on the cardio rotunda, that people next to me would silently jeer at my sweaty, red face and panting breaths. And the fact that I don't have super-toned thighs that don't pudge around when you run. So my solution is to run outside. Given that I live in Chicago and the weather outside is frightful, it's not the most enjoyable experience (read: it sucks).

I can handle the chill on my body, no problem (gloves and some kind of ear protection are really the key to not being completely miserable), but as someone who's never had the strongest lungs, I get destroyed by the winter air. I've tried breathing more through my nose, where - if my high school anatomy still serves - some mechanism is in place to warm the air before it reaches your lungs. At some point, though, I'm pretty sure my nasal passages, along with all my nose hairs, freeze, whereupon I am forced to gasp in air through my mouth, and my lungs proceed to say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" It just adds insult to injury when the snot starts coming down too. Gross! I figure even with this nasty appearance, any passersby will get at most a two-second glimpse of my sad self before they walk on and forget me. Hey, it happens to everyone.

Today, I went out to run for the first time in...well, I'd rather not say...and I jogged like a decrepit 40-year-old through the fair, 20-something-degree weather for about 20 minutes before conceding to the elements and walking my freezing ass home. As I sniffled up the stairs to my apartment, I tried to think of ways to prevent this mucus-y meltdown from happening again. There are scarves and weird collars on jackets you can push up to hide your face, but you know, I think really the best thing would be just to wear an oxygen tank. It'd be beneficial on multiple levels! Not only would you be getting a nice, oxygen-rich supply of air (notably not contaminated with car exhaust and the smell of whatever-that-is-on-the-ground), you'd be lugging around an extra, what, 50 pounds? Triple the workout! Besides all that, you breathe nice, warm air and save yourself the embarrassment of a dripping nose. So many good things! I don't know why someone else didn't think of it before. Clearly, I'm made of brilliance.

P.S. This was a rather pointless post. Merely a disguise for announcing my attempt to get back in shape. Muahaha.

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